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3 Ways How NOT To Get A DIVORCE During The Quarantine Period

3 Ways How NOT To Get A DIVORCE During The Quarantine Period

Relationships especially marriages are not easy to navigate. We acknowledge that marriage is just the beginning of a new relationship with the same person (if you have been dating for a while). Once you start living together, there will be many changes that require adaptation. For example, doing things your way may need to change because your partner has a different way of doing things, vice versa, and after a while, you come to a compromise. That’s where the balance comes in.

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However, this balance is easier said than done. In fact, recent news in China reports that divorce is on the rise as ‘couples are spending too much time together at home during self-isolation (see stats: world population review for 2020). One would imagine that couples would be happier now that they actually have more time to be with each other but this seems not quite the reality.

Most times, we ignore what annoys us and since we don’t spend all day together, it’s pretty bearable. We go to work and only spend a couple of hours in the evening and the weekends, and so we’re not in each other’s hair, right?

Wrong.

Marriage requires active participation and conscious efforts to keep it exciting and fresh. Sweeping our annoyance under the carpet and not addressing behaviours will just snowball tensions and here are three principles I find most strategic:

Left image: Breakfast made by ‘yours truly’ – Chris der Kinderen aka Hubster

 

1. Talk to your partner

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate

Find a time when the both of you are relaxed and there are no distractions (like kids and put away the phones). Bedroom would be highly recommended.

List the most pressing items (keep it to three at a time) in your mind or you can write it down so you remember and don’t get out of topic during the conversation.

Open the talk by saying ‘Hey baby, I’ve got something I’d like to discuss with you, would you be open to listening?’ or something similar. The gist is to go with a soft approach so your partner won’t have their defenses up. We want them to be as open and as accepting as possible. If you find that your partner is defensive, you might want to check your approach and choice of words.

After expressing your feelings, make sure that you also check in your partner’s feelings. Then try to understand from your partner’s point of view and brainstorm a few potential solutions.

It might not get solved on the first try but practice this strategy and turn it into a habit. Trust me, it works every time. Hope this is useful for you.

Reminder: Don’t ever get into a discussion when tempers are flying, or you are feeling annoyed. This energy will only make the situation worse and completely ineffective.

2. You are not responsible for your partner’s happiness

Many of us tend to have this great habit of ‘doing things for others’ but often get caught in between doing things because you want to or doing things out of fear that you would upset the person or the person might leave you.

Huge difference.

When you do things out of fear of losing or upsetting the other person, this is a reflection of insecurities going on within you, and it will be the wrong reason.

What you need to understand is that we are each responsible for our own happiness and mustn’t rely on others to make us happy.

When you find your partner upset for whatever reason, try to find out why, be empathetic, but if your partner is being cranky or mean, then you must tell your partner that that behaviour is not ok. If he/she is upset about something, then they should tell you what it is, and if they refuse to speak about it, that’s ok too as long as they are honest that it is not you and will not treat you as if you were the cause.

The same goes for you too!

3. APPRECIATION

I can’t emphasize this skill more. I call it a skill because often in our culture (the Asian culture), we would express our appreciation in the form of ‘an act of service’ and do not show or express our appreciation in the form of physical contact i.e. Touches, hugs and kisses.

Another great way of showing appreciation during this quarantine is to help out with household work from chores to taking turns to look after the kids so our partner can have some ME time or alone time. Contributing to house chores does not make the man any less of a man and if he doesn’t help out, it’s really an act of laziness or what I’d like to call as “mama’s boy” syndrome.

Oh and do not forget “US time”! I love this one the most and it doesn’t have to be long, but it requires conscious planning. Spice it up with various activities! Watch a movie together, sing a song, play an instrument, paint, cook, massage each other, and the list goes on.

Imagine this simple scenario, the wife is cleaning the house, the husband realises and starts cleaning what he can. He looks at the wife and smiles. Later he comes over, gives her a hug and kisses her on the lips, then he goes back to cleaning the house. A simple gesture like this will make one feel loved and the body will be releasing lots of dopamine or happy hormones.

Vice versa.

You can kick ‘divorce’ in the butt if you go by these three principles!

I’d love to hear from you and your ideas on keeping a loving, exciting and happy relationship!

#covid19 #lockdown #selfquarantine #divorce #family #couplegoals

What is a Societal Shaper?

What is a Societal Shaper?

We acknowledge that the world is changing at an unprecedented speed and the human race is faced with bigger, tougher and life threatening challenges, from limited resources, overpopulation, over consumption, rising inequality, climate change, technology over reach and global pandemics. 

For Societal Shapers BlogThus what does all this mean to you and I? 

We need a reset. Life as it is can’t just continue without a hard rethink over our lifestyle and business models. The way we consume, the way we define prosperity and the way we make money needs to be redefined and constraints need to be put into place. 

Why? Because if we don’t then we will continue to plunder our natural resources, biodiversity and natural ecosystems to fulfill demands of the growing middle class. It is in every business interest to produce faster and make more in order to gain more profits especially for its shareholders. 

So, who is going to set the limit? Who will say ok, enough is enough? Who will penalise and take away your license to operate if you continue to breach the limit? 

The short answer would be the State or our government. 

Now, here comes the role of Societal Shapers or those passionate about driving changes and reshaping society so we can all live harmoniously within our planetary boundaries. 

The idea is to have as many Societal Shapers as possible into the government or the state to change our systems and structure. It is time for a reset.

Why the need for Societal Shapers?

It is difficult to reimagine the world, to challenge existing ideologies, institutions and traditional ways of doing things we consider as a norm. It becomes even more complicated when our society beliefs are deeply intertwined with religion, traditions, culture and race. 

It will feel like you and I, against the rest of the world. But this is not true. There are many like us, who understand and know intuitively that the time for systemic change is now. There are many young ones who want to do more but need guidance, support and a circle of trust. 

Societal Shapers aren’t always going to get it right but we will continue to push boundaries in terms of ideas, discussions and actions because what matters most is RESULTS. We need a community of intellectual thinkers, strong, courageous and able to push these ideas forward especially when it gets difficult. 

What is expected of Societal Shapers?

You must have a fiery spirit within you to enact changes. It is important to build the stamina and energy mentally, emotionally and physically. 

It will be a challenging road ahead. You must stick to your values and principles in the face of power and greed. You will be held accountable in this sisterhood community but it will be a ride of a lifetime and an adventure you will forever value. Making this planet a better place to live in before we entered it. 

I hope this short introduction will inspire you and be part of the community. Join the discussion in my podcast and let’s lead the reset and rethink of our time.

Marrying That Perfect Partner

Marrying That Perfect Partner

I believe and feel that Pial and I are meant for each other. We have unconditional love and respect for the person’s that we are, no matter what we will always support each other through life. We often here that relationships are hard work and that you constantly need to nurture them, this should not be true. Why you may ask, because I believe having a strong foundation, based on the same norms and values and a natural common understanding of what is important in life already should be 80 – 90% of the relationship. If you can’t nail this, then don’t marry!

The other 10 – 20% should be driven by making the conscious effort that you are there and present in the relationship, unconditionally and with all your heart and soul.

I have never felt intense love, respect and care for a person before until I met my Pial. In many ways she is my “Gods” gift from heaven. When I was lost she found me and lifted me to a place where I never through I would be after going through a painful breakup after 7 years and not being around my kids. It took me 15 years of relationships to finally find the needle in the haystack as it took 7 years for Pial to get her divorce. It is not a coincidence that both of us had 7 years battle, but it was something we both had to go through to be the person’s that we are today.